Yesterday I went out for a fast run. I don’t do enough speed training… at least according to what my Garmin watch tells me (lol).
So I pushed pretty hard. And I felt great!
But I packed my day way too full of stuff, so when I got home I quickly showered off and was out the door to my first meeting. When I arrived, I stepped out of the car and… YEEOOUCHHH! A shooting pain on the outside of my left ankle stopped me in my tracks.
I’ve come to know so many running injuries, but this was a new one. And since it was new, out came the play-by-play and color commentators in my head.
Bob: And Eric destroys his ankle!
Sam: Yup Bob, that looks like a bad one. It’s probably damaged forever.
Bob: You know, Eric had all sorts of plans for how he was going to build his fitness back up to get ready for that next race.
Sam: Well, those are shot. Just gone. You know, Eric may never race again.
Bob: Agreed, Sam. I wonder what he even is without running? Probably just a depressed sop that will wander aimlessly through life.
Bob and Sam (to be fair, I just named them as I am writing this post. I’m not that crazy.) had that conversation all within the span of one second in my mind when I felt that pain. I didn’t hear the words… Rather, I felt them. I felt the disappointment of my carefully crafted plans for my training going up in smoke in one instant.
And I was pissed off that I had to let them go. I wanted to “GET THERE,” with THERE being the destination/outcome/plan I had for my week, rather than approaching my training (and life) with the more healthy and curious question, “Going where?”
All I’m doing here is talking about acceptance.
Yep, it’s the magic A-word that can change your life. If a pharmaceutical company could put acceptance in a pill they would price a 30-count bottle at $5,000 and it would still be well worth the cost.
But we can’t swallow synthetic acceptance. We gotta do it the hard way. We must really embrace the serenity prayer… remember that one?
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Ha! Easier said than done.)
Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have hopes/dreams/goals/plans/whatever. And with how much humans have shaped this world, most days we can live our lives according to the script that our minds have written.
But this is where the danger lies. We are used to most days going to plan. We don’t have to walk five miles to get water for our tribe anymore, only to find that the stream has run dry. With so many of our externalities now managed for our comfort and convenience, we may have a hard time coping when our plans have to change due to unforeseen stuff that life will inevitably throw our way.
As an aside, this (in my view) is why people choose to run 100 miles, or attend a five-day silent meditation retreat.
Doing these things forces you to give up control of your life and just push through the suffering. And after enough reps of these sort of activities, you start to see all the pain, suffering, ruminating (i.e., Bob and Sam), and anguish as just part of life. They start to lose their label as “bad things” and just become “things.”
I really have struggled with control issues throughout my life. I thought I had some coping mechanisms in place to keep things in check… until I recently decided to leave my job and start a new venture (coming soon, “Data 4 The People”) upon which my mind immediately went into overdrive. I started constructing plans on top of plans and strategies on top of strategies. And then I would tear them down and do it all over again. I also noticed Bob and Sam got a lot louder…
Bob: And… he did it again. He left his job to start something new.
Sam: This guy just can’t commit to anything, can he?
Bob: I know this worked out last time around, but I just don’t know if he can start up something new again.
Sam: There’s a great chance no one will care. I mean, “Data 4 The People?” How big of an ego does this guy have to think he can create a “repository of truth” to help save our civilization from degrading into chaos?
Bob: Ha! Yeah, what a delusional guy. He probably won’t be able to support his family either.
Sam: Anyway, should be interesting! Let’s watch this all implode.
Of course, I realize there is no evidence to support these thoughts. But they still have a very real impact on my life. Even if I dismiss them, I notice that these deep seated fears force me to slam down the accelerator on my work. I’ve been caught in that cycle these last few days, trying to do 100 things at the same time to set up and fund this new venture as fast as humanly possible.
The difference this time around is I now see the ridiculousness in this process.
My hard work is not strength. It’s weakness. It’s motivated and driven by fear. Strength would be to see and recognize these feelings, take a deep breath, assess the situation, and skillfully move forward.
Do I need to rush things? No.
Will rushing things potentially end up with a worse outcome? Yes.
Will doing good work for the right reasons lead to good things for me and my family? Probably.
Is the THERE that I have crafted in my mind even the THERE that will really make me the happiest in life? Or has my fear created my THERE?
This last question is a heavy one.
When I really pay attention to my life the only THERE that brings me any deep joy is my NOW. I’m not here to preach about present moment awareness, blah blah… but there’s really something to it.
Trust me as I have experience with this.
In 2018 I created a non-profit (46brooklyn Research) that exposed and helped eliminate profiteering and shady drug pricing practices in dozens of states. This THERE was not even on my radar in 2018 when I started the company. I just wanted to research and write. And then I ended up having a far bigger positive impact on millions of Americans than I ever thought was possible.
Guess how much permanent joy that brought. NONE.
I’m not saying that there is no point to trying to do something good. It’s essential that we all do!
But I remember reading this statement (I’ll paraphrase) that whatever you find at the top of the mountain is what you bring with you. In other words, don’t expect to find joy at the top of the mountain if you didn’t bring joy with you. It won’t be there. I clearly wasn’t building 46brooklyn with a sense of joy, so when it worked out beyond my wildest dreams, I felt no joy.
I’ve found that a better way to operate is to think of life like you are swimming through an ocean. You pick a direction (which aligns with your North Star) and then start swimming. Sometimes the waves are calm and you will swim perfectly on course. Sometimes the tides will be at your back and you’ll cover even more ground than you thought possible! But other times, the tides will reverse and you won’t go anywhere no matter how hard you swim. And then sometimes the ocean will be crazy choppy and you will have no control over which direction you are headed.
As I am writing this, I am realizing that the secret for me is to know when the ocean is cooperating and when it’s not. When it’s calm, we can cover a lot of ground. But when it’s not, it’s probably not the best idea to keep swimming as we’ll just tire ourselves out and may even end up going backwards. In those times, it makes more sense to stop swimming and float, relaxing into the unknown of where life takes us. Then, when things are calm again, we can look up, find that North Star, and resume swimming.
This may be clear, but I want to expressly state that the “ocean” is not just the sum total of my external situations. Most of the time, it has to do more with my own internal mental health. When my mind is moving at a frenetic pace, I can swim as fast as Michael Phelps… but when I come out of this trance, I usually look up and notice that I am further away from my North Star then when I started.
This post ended up being a love letter to myself more than anything, which I have chosen to share with you. This was not my intention when I started writing this morning… but it’s where the waves took me.
I now know that I need to continually remind myself during this transition (and beyond) to:
Always know what my North Star is. Don’t swim towards the hologram of a North Star that my fear creates for me.
Know when it’s time to swim and when it’s time to float.
Enjoy alternating between swimming and floating.
Approach each day with the curiosity that comes with “Going where?” rather than the inflexibly of “GET ME THERE!” (Cause, you know, it’s the bendy/flexible trees that can survive the worst storms and the inflexible ones that fall down).
So where are you going today? Who knows!? Go ahead and fire your Bob and Sam (or whatever you call them), and have fun watching it all unfold!